Breaking Up (And Surviving) Is Hard To Do

Oh! The agony of ending a relationship. The rejection, the sense of failure, the loss, and the sadness — these feelings are so intense, that it seems like they will never end. Hopelessness abounds from the fear you’ll never find anyone else to share your life with. You may be embarrassed to talk to friends for fear they won’t understand, or, worse yet, they start preaching to you about how the guy wasn’t good for you anyway — that's helpful and supportive! In the swirl of confusion, helplessness and change it’s so hard to keep perspective. So here are some reminders to weather the stormy end of a relationship.

Breaking up is not the goal. Surviving it is the goal!
In many ways, breaking up is the painful acknowledgment of what’s already happened in the relationship. Ultimately, after the disappointment subsides, surviving is something you want for yourself and your partner. Sure, there are times you would love to toss a grenade in his shorts, and both of you can behave accordingly for as long as necessary. However, how much time of your short life on this planet do you want to stay in this horrible emotional state? If the relationship was ever based on some semblance of love, hopefully sooner than later you’ll both want the ending to be as stress free as possible and you’ll want to get on with your lives.

For most involved relationships, when there are shared expenses and living arrangements, a breakup is going to take a long period of time that requires continued interaction. However, don’t be drawn into arguments that no longer matter. I remember getting snagged in many a “discussion” where it felt like his perspective was invalidating my perspective and vice versa. If we were still together, perhaps this scenario might be something to work on. However, we were no longer a couple so I didn’t have to concern myself about what he thought of me and neither did he have to take my thoughts so deeply to heart. It’s over. Be about the business of wrapping things up.

Similarly, ending a relationship involves redrawing your boundaries. What once was shared — finances, groceries, sex, touch — is now individualized. Depending on the reasons for the breakup, it might mean that you completely remove yourself with no contact whatsoever. For most, it’s not that cut and dry. Even though you don’t want to be drawn into outdated arguments, there are going to be times that you’ll innocently step over the boundaries and vice versa. You may automatically do things you use to do and now you have to make a conscious effort not to do them. Try to have some flexibility and understanding while you clarify these lines. Remember, “stress free as possible.”

There will always be some things that will never be resolved. Sometimes that’s why the break up is occurring in the first place. If everything could be fixed you wouldn’t be breaking up. As the metaphor goes: You can’t necessarily end a game by taking another turn. However, you can always end a game by simply walking away. This kind of letting go is not an acknowledgment of failure. No one really “wins” in a break up, and therefore no one fails either (though, of course, he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him - wink, wink!). Letting go is confirming you have completed everything in your power to make this relationship work. Accept the end. Accept your limitations. Accept your former partner’s limitations.

Although the relationship has ended, there are still those potent emotions that keep coming up. Light a candle and chant this mantra, “This will not last forever. The despair will not last forever. The feeling of being lost without him will not last forever. The emotional fallout will not last forever!” Believe it. Believe me, eventually you’ll find yourself again, but it does take time to get all these feelings out of you. A great way to do that is to speak them out loud. Meet with someone to talk, preferably a good therapist, who knows how to listen well. Of course friends can be good listeners, but there’s only so much venting you can do before it takes its toll on them. Besides, a professional listener with advanced degrees in relating to people can probably move you a long more effectively.

Relearn the experience of being single. Welcome those experiences that once defined what you really enjoyed about being a single person. This involves taking care of yourself in ways maybe you haven’t in a long time. Be good to yourself. You’ve been through hell. Do whatever you can to heal and enjoy life.

Consider wrapping up the relationship on as positive a note as possible. Even if your counterpart is out for blood, try your best not to retaliate for that will only prolong the process. Walk away. Don’t play the game. The sooner you can view the whole experience in the past, the sooner you can choose to focus on the good memories and what you learned from each other. This is survival and you are stronger because of it.